Day 27

I have so much to say today, but am at a loss for how to say it.  Thoughts about loss and love and life...and my mind is too confuddled to let it out.  I have a story to tell that hurts to tell so for today, I'm going to let it rest.  To those that are sufferring, or have sufferred the pain of loss, have faith...the pain never goes away, but in time it dulls.

That's what I'm talkin' about!!!

Day 26

So, yesterday I got to go on a small road trip adventure with my daughter and my best friend.  The final destination was West Branch to pick up an electric fireplace from my mom's house.  We've all heard about and probably most have seen these little fireplaces.  My house is perfect for me - I LOVE it.  Sure there are some things that need to be updated or that I would like to change, but all in all, I am perfectly happy in my cozy little house in my cute little neighborhood.

The thing is, the house is a quad-level.  Basically, it's a tri-level with an additional basement.  Well, we spend all of our time in the family room - which is at normal basement level.  The big comfy sectional is in the family room, the big tv, the wii, the stereo, the computer - all that crap is in the family room.  Lately, we have been freezing while watching tv/doing homework/playing on computer, etc.  So, the heat has been turned up to about 72 or 73 - which for us is a bit crazy.  The biggest problem is that the bedrooms are upstairs so it's sweltering frickin hot upstairs and freezing cold downstairs. 

Long story short, my mom had a fireplace waiting for me that I apparently blew off when she originally bought it.  (Sorry, mom)  So, the girls and I toodled up to fetch it yesterday.  Now, we weren't really sure what this little thing was capable of doing so we were pleasantly surprised when we were able to turn the heat back down to 68 and be perfectly comfy hanging in the family room.

Nevermind that it's just frickin cute :)

With a friend like this...

Day 25

 About 17 years ago, I met someone who would become my very best friend.  Trista has been my own personal life line for years.  She has been through some of the absolute lowest points of my life with me along with some of the highest.  She has been through multiple losses with me, the births of both of my children, the stupid wars I have had with other friends and siblings among many other things.

I firmly believe everyone needs a Trista.  You can't have mine - so back off.  :) It's true though.  She is the one person that I can tell anything.  I can be myself - completely.  She's there if I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to scream at. 

Many many times, she is underappreciated.  I don't tell her enough how much she means to me.  I can't imagine my life without her and don't know how I survived before I met her.  She listens to my dreams - however silly or far-fetched they may be and supports me - even if she thinks they are silly or far-fetched.

Today will go down as yet another fabulous day together and yet another reminder of why I love her so much.  We had a FANTASTIC snowball fight and made snow angels and giggled like little girls.  Silly?  Absolutely.  A reminder that we don't always have to "act like adults."  Most definitely.

I admire her so much and I hope that she knows that.  Love you, Triscuit and thank you for everything.

Diapers, tantrums, formula, sleepless nights...

Day 24

This beautiful little girl is the daughter of friends of ours.  I remember the day she was born and thinking how cute she was.  I truly believe she is absolutely beautiful.  She has the perfect complexion and those pinchable cheeks and the most infectious smile.  I adore this little girl.  She also reminds me of when my kids were babies.  I am definitely not feeling a pull for more kids, but that is not to say that there are not times when I miss those days.

I remember Megan giggling in her sleep at about a month old.  I also remember her screaming night after night after night until she was about 3 months old.  I cannot tell you how many times I called my mother crying or my sister, Carolynn to come and save my daughter's life.

I loved being pregnant - both times.  I do not believe people around me loved me being pregnant, Phil and Carolynn can both attest to the fact that I may have been a bit of a bitch.  I loved the feeling of carrying a child, though.  The amazing feeling when they moved - or even when Megan felt the need to shove her little foot between my ribs.  I have no regrets.  It was a beautiful time and an amazing experience.

I certainly do not want to go through that again.  I am excited for them to (slowly) grow up and move on.  I do miss Jason falling asleep on my chest when he was a teeny tiny baby. I love looking at their baby pictures and seeing how they have changed.  I love being able to see the baby face still there in their faces now.  We push and push for them to do new things - roll over, eat solid food, crawl, walk, run, talk.  Then we try and pull them back in once they do those things.  I wasn't lying when I said I am excited for them to grow up and move on.  I am no where near ready, though.  I almost cried before Christmas when I realized that in 5 years Megan will be coming home from college for the holidays.  Ok, I did cry...shut up.  It scares the hell out of me that in 9 years my kids will both be in college.  Sure, the idea of getting time with Phil - as in just the two of us - is appealing, but I don't think I ever expected to feel the pain, yes pain of my kids growing up.

All the things they don't tell you before you have kids.  It truly is like having your heart walking around outside of your body.  I can honestly say there is nothing on this planet that I love more than I love my children - Eric, you are included in this.  Every fall, heartache, bad day I feel just as strongly as each of my kids.  I hurt for them and cry for them and wish beyond all else that I could ensure that they would never have to feel pain.  I know it is part of life and I know I have to let them experience it, but sometimes, I would like to go back to when they were little, like the beautiful baby in my picture....back when things seemed simpler.

Food food food

Day 23

Ok, I'm not the best cook in the world.  I really only started cooking real meals since we moved into this house.  The kitchens in my previous abodes have been obnoxiously small or I was too young to actually care about cooking.  Anyhoo, I have a few meals that are pretty damn good.  This one, however, is a house favorite.  Mexi-meatloaf served with spanish rice.  Nom nom nom.  That right there is good stuff...

This is how dreams begin...

Day 22

I've struggled as of late trying to figure out just what I want to do with my life.  You know, the age old question of what one wants to be when (if) one grows up.  I believe I have finally determined what I want to do.  I am not, however, ready at this point to disclose exactly what that is as it is at this point still just a pipe dream.  It will take years of work and a lot of dedication to make it come true, but I think I can do it. 

Anyhoo, the picture doesn't really do it justice as this binder is full of information to get this started.  Here's to hopin and dreamin...

sleepy sleepy sleepy

Day 21

I'm so tired.  It's moments like these when I feel old.  I remember back in the day I could be up until 2 or 3 in the morning and still manage to get up for work by 6.  It's crazy!  Of course, I had to spend the evening waking up every couple of hours to make sure Crash was still alive.  Not that it was overly necessary as she was back to sleep walking again - randomly looking for her cell phone.  AT 1 IN THE MORNING?!?!? 

Anyhoo, this morning I got up for work and as always, checked on my babies to make sure they were all covered up.  Jason looked so peaceful I had to take his picture.  I wanted to curl right up with him and sleep for hours.

ER here we come....again

Day 20

I originally had another picture for today, but with our unfortunate turn of events, I opted for this one (much to my daughter's dismay).  This child, I have determined, is incredibly accident prone.  I informed her this evening that because she is so accident prone, I do not think it wise for her to ever have a driver's license. The child cannot walk without getting hurt - can you imagine her behind the wheel?

So, she is at her basketball game.  They are winning, 37-16.  Meg is a bit scrappy.  She got a tie up.  Unfortunately, when the ref blew the whistle, the other "young lady" opted to (literally) thrown Megan.  So, Megan flew a bit, fell and smacked her head (loudly) against the floor and of course, her head had to bounce.  It was rather gross to be honest.  She did not lose conciousness, however, her fingers were a bit tingly which panicked the coaches so I had to take her to get it checked out.  We got to redi-care.  They looked at her and thought she was passing out and informed me we were to go directly to the ER.  So, off we went.

Once at the (incredibly stinky, foul, and busy) ER, she got some life back in her (there's a shocker). They did a CT and an Xray.  While we waited in her little room, my smart mouth lovely daughter says to me "at least it's not the weekend."  We have a "rule" in our house that the children are not allowed to go to the ER on the weekend.  She made a funny.  End result - all clear on all tests and now we are home.  Starving since we hadn't had dinner, but home.  Nighty night.

Brrrrrrrrrr....

Day 19

It's days like these that I completely understand why my mother chose to go south for the winter...

Motherhood

Day 18

Ok, not a fan of this picture because it makes me look like a beached whale, but that is beside the point.  Meg got dressed today and when I went up to take a shower she said something jokingly about how I needed to put on black sweats.  So, I said, ok.  We decided to "match" today. 

I remember when she was little I always wanted to get some kind of cute mother/daughter outfits and have pictures taken but never got it done.  I know there will come a time when the idea of even remotely matching her mother will make her physically ill, so today was special for me.  She wanted us to look alike - hence my hair also being in a bun even though I despise how fat my face is.  It's moments like these when I know that she will always be my baby, no matter how old she is. 

What's a day without chocolate!?!?

Day 17

I don't do a whole lot of snacking at work.  I used to - A LOT!  I cut down a few years ago and rarely do it now.  There are days, however, when I need a little pick me up...you know, when the Mt. Dew isn't working for me.  I love love love Rolos.  I don't know that I would call them my absolute favorites, but they are definitely in the top 10.  What's your fav?

dAmN dOg

Day 16

I took this picture today for multiple reasons.  First, I heard a horrific story about a dog that was taped up and left to die in Lansing.  Second, on my way home, I unfortunately had to drive by a dog who had just (as in I must have barely missed it) been hit.  And third, as much as my dog pisses me off and makes me want to choke the life out of her at times, I love her and she is very much a part of this family.

I, literally, had to beg to get a dog.  I had promised the kids when we got a house of our own we would get a puppy.  Little did I know that the chubby little puppy that I just "had to have" was going to be the devil dog from hell.  She is such a rotten dog at times.  Then again, there are those other times when Ziva will curl up with Megan or Jason and just love them. 

Damn dog.

Nom Nom Nom

Day 15

Yes, I know, it looks disgusting, but this is the reason I LOVE going to work on Wednesdays.  Big fat, cheesy, bacony, sausagey, hammy, omelette for breakfast.  Yup, a high cholesterol, clog your arteries and cause a heart attack omelette.  NOM NOM NOM

Day 14

Megan got this to use for a drill at basketball practice tonight.  I was thinking of the bazillion fun things you can do with balloons.  Water balloon fights, rubbing it on your head to make your hair stand up, batting them around, letting the air out so they fly all around the room, drawing faces on them, using them to make paper mache' stuff....can you think of more?

Dance, baby, dance

Day 13

Ahhh, this will probably be one of my favorite pictures.  It would be better if I had my original pointe shoes, but they are up north.  They are beautiful - grungy, falling apart, no longer pink.  I love them.  I think to this day there is really not anything worse than getting new pointe shoes.  They are stiff and uncomfortable.  Once they are all worn in - they are great!  That being said, I do not think I truly appreciated my pointe shoes or even ballet in general until I was about 16...actually I know I didn't truly appreicate it until the year I danced to "Memory" from Cats.  After that, I finally understood what it meant to be a ballerina and I loved it. 

I remember being so excited to get those tap shoes.  I finally got "big girl" tap shoes that had a bit of a heel.  What was even better was when I got to have "jingle taps."  It took me a while to master how to tap with the jingles without sounding sloppy, but in the end it was worth it.

I love to dance.  I have always loved to dance - for as long as I remember I have loved it.  When I did the recital last year - first recital since I was 17, I was nervous.  Who wouldn't be?  Old fat ladies dancing = GROSS.  But the exhileration of being on the stage again was priceless.  It is the one place that I am always comfortable.  It doesn't matter that I hate myself, when I'm on the stage with whatever shoes I have on and those lights are shining all bright - I love myself.  Those are moments I will cherish forever.

Brrrrrrrrr.....

Day 12

It's SO cold outside!!!  I know it's really not that bad today   
but I'm FREEZING!!!!  How better to warm up than
with a HUGE mug of hot chocolate chuck full of yummy
marshmallows?!?!

Good grief

Day 11

So, as I stepped out of the shower and looked at the array of garbage on my counter, I started to think.  Yes, I know, scary isn't it?  Anyway, I was thinking to myself that women put themselves through a lot of crap to look good.  Well, some women anyway.  What I don't get is why? I mean, I know why I do it.  I'm an incredibly insecure self-loathing type of person.  I put make up on so as not to scare small children when I go out in public.  I do things with my hair in the hopes that people will look at it instead of at me.  For those occasions when people do make the mistake of looking at me, I put extra make up on my eyes in hopes that they will look only at my eyes and no where else. 

The thing is, I am pretty sure the majority of women out there are not insecure freaks such as myself.  So, why?  The worst part is, that picture shows only the "bare essentials."  As in, that is my normal "I'm not doing anything major" or "I'm going to work" equipment (minus the hair dryer as the counter wasn't big enough to squeeze that in there).  If I were going out, such as for a party or something along those lines, I would have to have a much larger camera to fit all of the paraphernalia in the photo. 

Maybe someday I will be one of those women who is happy with herself as is.  Maybe I will be able to look ini the mirror and not want to throw a large brick at it or spray paint black paint all over it.  I mean, hey, if Michael Jackson can die white, it's all possible isn't it?

Who am I

Day 10

I guess this project is turning into a soul searching project for me, eh?!  Then again, it may just be how I’m feeling this week.  Anyway, I think most people at 34 years old have a pretty good idea of who they are and where they are going.  I am not your average 34 year old, obviously.  How many mid-30 year old people out there don’t know who they are?  Or, how many don’t know what they want to do with their life?  This is not a new debate for me.  I have been debating some parts of this since I started school.  I don’t want to be an accountant.  I have never wanted to be an accountant.  This is fulfilling a quarter of a dream that I had back when I was 15ish.  I wanted to double major and double minor…I wanted to major in accounting and music and minor in dance and computers.  Why?  I wanted to own my own dance studio, but was smart enough even then to realize that it would take money and therefore I had to have a job that would make me money before I could have the studio.  Logical isn’t it?

Things change, though.  Everybody knows that.  The problem is, when things change, people just make new dreams or new goals.  That’s where I’m lost.  I’m going to school for accounting.  When I’m done, I’ll either have a bachelors or a masters, depending on how I feel.  For now, we’ll say bachelors.  I DON’T WANT TO BE AN ACCOUNTANT.  What do I want to do?  I don’t know…I no longer want my own dance studio.  Why?  Because I think that Holt has enough dance studios and I don’t want to move.  

So, in answer to your question yesterday, Andy, I don’t know what kind of business I want to own or what I would name it.  About a year ago I toyed around with the idea of a school for the arts as there isn’t a really good one right here in this area.  I think, in the long run, what I want is some form of place or organization that focuses on the arts for kids.  At 34 years old with limited funds, that’s a pretty lofty dream.

My how pretty you look with a pin sticking out of your face…

Day 9

I’m sure everyone has had days like these.  I’m also sure everyone works with people that they frequently want to cause great bodily harm.  I will refrain from using names, as that would be unprofessional.  I will, however, say that it is days like today that make me ponder continuing with my education to eventually obtain a Master’s Degree. 

It is also days like today when I wish I could just win the lottery and open my own business.  What kind of business?  I haven’t a damn clue, but one of my own where I would not feel like a useless under-appreciated employee.  I guess that’s not fair to say, either, though.  There are people at work who appreciate me and I know that.  It’s a shame that one person can destroy it all. 

I guess that brings up another issue of mine.  Why is it that I allow people to treat me poorly?  I have a long history of this – dating as far back as elementary school.  I had a friend that my mother called a “fair-weather friend.”  Meaning that person was only my friend when she had time.  I allowed this – and continued to allow this type of “friendship” even when we moved.  Even now, with as bitchy as I pretend to be – I allow people to insult me and do nothing about it.  I wonder, at what point will I actually appreciate my own self worth and stop allowing others to walk all over me.

Thankfully, not everyone in my life is like this.  I have a handful of people that bust their asses to make me feel like I am something and for them – I am beyond thankful.

Day 8

wHo CaReS wHaT TIME iT iS?!?!

I know, real exciting picture…but as I said yesterday, this isn’t for your amusement or entertainment, it’s for me.  This is so I can look back a year from now and go – oh yeah, I remember that day.  Wednesday, or Hump Day, has thus far proved to be incredibly unimpressive.  I awoke this morning at 6:24 a.m.  The time in the picture is when I arrived at work.  The issue?  The issue is that I am suppose to be at work at 7 – not 7:13.  It happens, I know, but still.  Nevermind that normally I leave the house at 6:30 to get to work by 7. SO, today, I had to rush through my shower – which annoys me as I enjoy a nice long hot shower – had zero time to put on my “acceptable” face AND have hag hair.  We will not even begin to discuss today’s attire.

Regardless, I arrived at work safe and sound, if not a bit more frazzled than normal and managed to muster through the day somehow…

I. LOVE. SOCKS. (day 7)

So, when I started this project, I really had no “plan.”  Truth is, I started it because it was a challenge for me – to see if I could stick with something for 365 days.  It’s not like there is a prize at the end…just the satisfaction of finishing it.  After the first day, I had some aspirations (much like Andy) to use this to see what kind of photographer I could be.  Imagine – taking these beautiful and breathtaking photos. 

Well, the reality of it is, while that would be nice, I determined today that that is not what I am doing this for.  I am doing this for me and as such, the photos won’t be professional looking in anyway and will probably be goofy and make no sense on some days.  The thing is – all of the pictures will mean something to me.  In the end, that, I have decided, is the prize.  To be able to look back in a year and laugh or cry or just remember those particular moments is what is important for me.

So, in honor of this epiphany, today’s picture is of…

Yup, my socks.  I don’t have a foot fetish really.  I actually am not a huge fan of feet.  Socks, however, I LOVE!!!!  I love argyles and crazy socks, soft socks, toe socks, knee high socks, trouser socks…LOVE socks.  This pair is rather special cuz they were a gift from my sister, Carolynn for my 34^th birthday. (Thanks, Cinnamon)  The best part is, they make me SMILE!

Just shoot me...

Going back to school has been huge for me.  After flunking out 3 times, I needed to prove not only to others, but to myself that I could do it.  I have.  I obtained my Associates in April of 2010 and am roughly 15 months shy of my Bachelors.  I have no regrets.  I don't even regret the $50000 in student loans that I will have to pay back.  It has been a great adventure.  That being said, this current math class may kill me.  I'm sure there are plenty of you out there that look at this problem and think "really, Jamie, how easy."  I, on the other hand, look at this problem and think "are you effing kidding me?  When am I ever going to use this s#%@?!?" 

Anyhow, this is how I will be spending my day...

Day 5

As I waited for Jay's game to start this morning, I was thinking about all of the things that I missed as a kid and wondered if it bothered me.  I didn't play basketball or soccer or softball.  I was a dancer first and foremost and a runner second.  For a time I was a gymnast - albeit a bad one.  I will grudgingly admit that I did one season of basketball cheerleading and had quite enough of that.

I've decided that I have no regrets.  Sports with balls never appealed to me.  I knew I wasn't good at them - so why bother playing.  I also knew I was good at dancing and a decent runner and that was enough for me.  The downside was that I was an outsider.  Now, I know that being an outsider in middle/jr high/high school doesn't make a damn bit of difference, but then it hurt.  I wish I could tell these girls now, that who they are in junior high - whether it's Ms. Popular, the class clown, or the nerd DOESN'T MATTER.  In 10 years - no one will care...not even you.

Day 4

I remembered to take the picture, but didn't get on the computer at all after work Friday.  So, here it is.  It makes me laugh a bit...I know it seems like nothing, but the camera didn't really catch how crappy the weather was Friday night.  Every year on the weekend of the Twistars Invitational, the weather SUCKS!!!!  This year proved me right!  Here's day 4's picture...

*Rubs the sleep from the eyes*

I think we can all relate to this...first thing in the morning, waiting for breakfast to pop outta the toaster...

Day 2

Yup, there has to be a story behind this one...

So, I'm wandering through the hospital today and there is a woman...I would guess roughly 60ish years old standing in the hallway.  She obviously works there as she's wearing scrubs.  Now, please picture this, she's a rather large woman and by large I mean L.A.R.G.E.  She's white and she has a (poor thing) pear shaped body.  You know what I mean...ya hit the hips and there's a neon "wide load" sign flashing...got it?

Ok, well, over her scrubs she's wearing this short little faux leather jacket with some rhinestoney lookin things on the sleeve and a faux fur hood.  (This is the part where I started giggling.)  On the back in the same rhinestoney type style, it says "apple bottom" on it. 

Why do I find this so amusing you might ask?  Well really, when's the last time you saw a grandmotherly type white lady wearing apple bottom gear?

WOW

Ok, I have blogged before...but only on places like Myspace and Facebook, so this is totally new to me.  I'm going to give this a shot.  So, since Andy decided to try out this whole 365 days of photos, I thought I would try too.  I don't know that I have the discipline to actually do it - especially considering I had decided on January 1 that i was going to start and here it is January 4th ad I'm just now doing.

Eh, whatever, so...here goes.  Today's photo of the day is my desk.  Again, it pertains to a conversation - well, to a post Andy had on facebook anyways, about being a kid and doing kid things.  I have to spend 8-9 hours a day 5 days a week at this desk...it's going to be fun or appealing to me...